Once a month or so, I thought it would be fun to do a Random Monster Mashup! This could take many forms – maybe see what happens when the monsters fight or team up, think about what kinds of circumstances might result in this situation, and even, if we’re feeling really creative, think about what happens if we stick these two monsters in a teleporter together and hit “SEND.”

This month’s monsters are quite unevenly matched: The Dretch and the Empyreans!

Let’s get one thing settled right out of the gate: there is no combat happening here. A Dretch is a CR 1/4 monster, and an Empyrean comes in at CR 23, so not only is there no fight to be had, the Empyrean probably won’t even notice the Dretch is there before it just squishes that stinky little thing between its glorious, godlike toes.

Even a bunch of Dretches aren’t really going to do much – by the math, you’d probably need about 900 of them to attack all at once to take that Empyrean down, and that’s assuming the Empyrean just stands there and takes it. If that’s where your game has taken you, you might want to readjust your plans a bit.

There are still reasonable ways for these creatures to coexist in your game, though, especially if you have a Fiend Empyrean. Those guys are the spawn and scions of archdevils and demon lords, and they’re constantly scheming for more and more power. And any scheming overlord-to-be needs henchthings, which is something we’ve already established that your Dretch excels at. If your Big Bad Guy is an Empyrean, the Dretch is probably going to be the first wave of their evil plan that your Party comes across. It might be their first fight or, for something different, it might be the first agent of evil that comes to them with an offer.

Imagine, if you will, this disgusting poo-pile of a creature carrying with it an offer from one of the most powerful beings in the universe to your party – an offer of power in exchange for something simple. The retrieval of an object. The delivery of a person. The destruction of a small, insignificant shrine. While normal Dretches are about as smart as a very clever cow, this might be a Dretch Missionary, uplifted by its patron into something that can make deals and carry messages.

Imagine for much fun it would be at your table to say, when your party is in between missions, “You notice a distinct odor begin to seep into the room….” They’d know exactly who it is, and if you play it right, that Dretch could be someone they love to hate.

If you have a Celestial Empyrean, of course, a Dretch isn’t going to work for you as a Henchthing, but that doesn’t mean you’re out of luck! Remember what I said before about 900 Dretches having a decent chance of taking an Empyrean down? Perhaps that’s a problem that your Celestial needs your party to solve – who keeps sending these Dretches and why?

Of course, you probably realize right away that this would be a terrible strategy to eliminate a being as strong as an Empyrean, so this sounds like it could be a feint, something to keep the Celestial busy and looking the wrong way while forces of evil attempt to do the wickedness that they want. Or, if you want to make this a really different type of story, imagine Empyrean siblings – one Celestial, one Fiendish, and that Fiendish one loves nothing more than driving their sibling crazy by sending lots of walking stinkbombs to mess up their day. Is there an ulterior motive, or is this just a cosmic sibling rivalry? That’s up to you!

Okay, the last part – what if we combine these monsters? Well, the Dretch doesn’t bring much to the table other than its Fetid Cloud, so that might be something you can add to your Empyrean – an emanation that spreads out from it, requiring some kind of saving throw that could mess with your party. It doesn’t have to be a stench, either. Look into the list of Conditions in D&D and pick your favorites.

I’d extend the range of the emanation a bit, given how much larger an Empyrean is than a Dretch, and try to pick a condition that makes things interesting. Maybe your Celestial Empyrean shines brightly with the divine light of its godly heritage, and anyone who gets near it has to save against blindness. A Fiendish Empyrean could have an aura that charms anyone who approaches, potentially rendering your melee fighters useless in battle – or making your whole party much more susceptible to agreeing to its wicked plans.

Sometimes the most interesting ideas come from the most absurd combinations, and putting Dretches and Empyreans in your campaign could make for the kinds of moments that neither you nor your players would ever expect.

Thanks for reading, and stick around for next month’s Monster Mashup!